Yes, I Watched The Queen’s Gambit
spoilers ahead so watch the show and then come back
Through some divine miracle, aka my “can’t sit still for one second” disposition, I have evaded every single TV show craze (air)borne from the pandemic. Well, except Schitt’s Creek. I ate that show in a mere two-week time frame, taking my first bite the minute I submitted my last assignment of undergrad. Remember when April 2020 was here? Ha ha!
I think Tiger King centers around a bunch of guys sporting mullets as they attempt to win a tiger and/or Carole Baskin, who is now canonically a bisexual legend.
I’m positive Love Island is Survivor but with sex, and I think Survivor is what Paris Hilton pictures when she thinks of camping. I don’t know what exactly Paris Hilton is up to but I know she’s booking because Vogue did one of those nighttime skincare routine videos with her recently. I did watch it and yes, it was opulent.
I feel guilty using HBO that I don’t pay for so I missed out on the latest “Nicole Kidman having a terrible husband” vehicle.
TV shows were in a round robin of relevancy while I was listening to my seventh podcast of the day, intimidated by the speed with which people were consuming seasons and limited series.
I learned how to play chess six years ago on a bus to Atlanta. I was headed to Quiz Team Nationals, a statement oozing sensuality. Knowledge is sexy! Since then, I have been playing the pre-chess game of trying to convince someone to face off with me. I have been successful eight times, with three of those times occurring in the past thirty days.
My third time playing chess was the summer of 2018. I was studying for my biology final at my favorite coffee shop. My friend from class was with me; a goodhearted, quiet egg with sharp wit. I convinced them to play chess. They were only familiar with the direction in which the pieces moved. I was on equal footing. We were doing something that resembled playing chess as a man holding a copy of Infinite Jest sat down beside us.
At first the glances were quick, but they soon devolved into full-on stare downs, explaining with his eyes why our moves were so idiotically horrendous. He assured us, this time with his mouth, that our skills were just fine. Besides, men are better at pattern recognition. This is of course crucial for chess success. I suppose it may logically follow that he was saying men are simply better at chess.
Enter a blunt bang.
I don’t remember where I was when I first heard the name Beth Harmon, or who from. I assume it was one of the many Brooklynn-based comedians I follow, followed, on Twitter. I left that cursed app in 2020.
Using dark magic, Netflix shoves me into a never-ending guilt trip with my inability to keep up with their content. And can I be honest? Most of the time, I don’t ACTUALLY want to watch the shows or movies or limited series. I just feel a little culturally inept if I don’t.
Yet a show about chess not only genuinely piqued my interest; it piqued what seemed to be an entire nation’s (the people I followed on Twitter) interest.The Queen’s Gambit is a chess move/book/show/British sentence. A multi-hyphenate. And just like, Beth, I don’t know when to stop!
One of my roommates, along with her lover, watched the show, reinvigorating the roommate’s love, well like, for playing the game. Alas! Someone to scam into challenging. And because the show had gifted me a live-in opponent, I figured the least I could do was watch it. Here are my unfiltered thoughts on The Queen’s Gambit, which will in no way be in chronological order. Heads up if that is confusing and/or annoying. To which I say: welcome to my brain, babe.
Everyone is up in arms about Beth’s hair but honestly? I’ve liked all the cuts. Yeah, even the first initial chop. The one she has when she’s nine and calls the custodian, Mr. Shaibel, a c*cksucker despite not knowing what it meant.
Speaking of Mr. Shaibel, remember in episode two when Beth wrote a letter to him? In it she requested the five dollars needed to enter a tournament, with the promise of sending ten dollars in return, conditional on her winning. Which she does, of course. But does she ever send him the ten dollars? I missed that, if so. I refuse to let this go unanswered.
Okay it does get answered and no, this girly does not pay him back. And he’s tracked her career. Which she finds out. AFTER he’s died. More on this below.
My whole world got rocked when they said “The Queen’s Gambit” IN The Queen’s Gambit. Magnifico.
I hate to ask something so vague so early in my reviews but… why? Yes, I understand she is now in an orphanage. Yes, I understand she is being fed drugs by said orphanage. But why does she see a chess board and get absolutely balls to the wall obsessed with it? Does it have to do with her mother being a math professor (that was her profession, right?) or is the fact that she’s never seen it before? Or because it’s the fifties and there’s nothing else to do except like, live in the moment?
Do we think the twins like, kiss each other?
Okay, I do have to address the elephant in the room. There is no question that Anya Taylor-Joy is talented. Obviously obviously obviously. But every review of her performance is like “the way [Anya] stares into the camera is not unlike a deep inner-examination of our most intimate thoughts and feelings” and I just feel as though looking like a real life Bratz Doll may make your work a little cut out for you.
At no given point do I actually know how old Beth is which could make some of these scenes very problematique and also I can’t tell if she’s in love with Townes or just sexually-attracted to chess*. In episode three, there’s a scene where Beth lies in bed, canopy above torn by her own doing. If memory serves, a shadow of the king piece overcomes Beth’s supine body. Missionary with chess, how chaste. *Beth reveals in episode six that she did love Townes which actually makes no sense whatsoever but, okay.
Yeah, her bed canopy is torn so that she can play chess on the ceiling using her mind while zooted off of tranquilizers that she of course is addicted to because 1) the orphanage forced her to take them and 2) the show needed a physical representation of her obsession with chess.
Townes is queer, correct? Potentially a bisexual legend à la Carol Baskin?
I feel like someone who is that good at chess and math and science and general cognition should know that you should not stuff fistfuls of drugs into your mouth. Even if you are nine, or ten, or whatever. I am still in desperate need of a Beth Age Timeline (BAT).
Mere seconds after I thought “okay, maybe the mom is growing on me” she was deleted. That’s the real Queen’s gambit.
I can’t speak to the editing in any intelligible way but I like it. It gives me Harry Potter (sorry :/) meets The Brady Bunch meets Knives Out energy. Same amount of white people, too. Which is to say, there are a LOT of white people.
“It’s chess. We’re all Prima donnas.” Guess who said it and guillotine who wrote it (metaphorically guillotine).
You’re telling me Beth learned Russian, a language with a whole ass different alphabet from English, for her future Soviet opponents, but didn’t take the time to learn about the career of one of their top players?? Aka Borgov? Sure.
Every person on the face of the planet knows a Benny and honey if you don’t, you are the Benny. I’m the Benny. And I carry a pocketknife.
If we the viewers of this program are to believe that the “second-rate university” in Ohio is my alma mater, I deserve all of my tuition fees to be refunded to me. Is this logical? No. Is is the law? I’m sure someone could argue it is.
Where were you when you realized that Beltik was played by none other than Dudley Dursley himself?
Imagine with me for one second: Robert Pattinson being anyone, ANYONE, in this show. He could have just one line for all I care.
I swear to God if this show is queer-baiting me with the implication that Beth slept with Cléo, and then that turns out to NOT be true, I will be writing directly to Netflix. Cléo is either very nice/ sensual toward Beth or she’s straight up a plant sent to get Beth drunk so that she forfeits her match the next day. Which she does; resigning after drinking a gallon of water. Does Borgov think she’s better than him or does he pity her? What am I supposed to gauge from his sad and judging eyes? Is Cleo actually from the USSR and I added those acute accent (accent aigu, if you will) for no reason?
What in the sweet heaven and hell is Beth’s makeup in episode six when Beltik comes to talk to her at the Lexington tournament. Not this off-brand Twiggy look ma’am, please.
There is a direct correlation between the increase of my brain’s serotonin and the arrival of Jolene in episode seven. This is then followed by a plummet when it’s revealed she’s there to tell Beth about Mr. Shaibel’s passing. Beth and Jolene go back to the orphanage for the service, and when I saw Beth going down into the basement where she first played chess with Shaibel, I knew we were in for a sentimental wall collage. Netflix, you. did. not. let. me. down. Genuine fear set in when I thought “is she NOT going to cry???”
But she FINALLY cried.
And Jolene got honest with Beth and also gave her a loan that was worth more than my checking account.
And then Townes was confirmed a queer legend.
And everyone drank the “Beth is actually the best player” kool-aid.
And Beth played chess on the ceiling with her mind WITHOUT drugs, proving she is actually the best player.
And then she won.
And then we end back at the beginning.
I captured my opponent’s queen the first time I played chess. The shock on his face told me I had done something impressive, or he had done something very stupid. Probably a little bit of both.
This show took me back to that bus headed toward Atlanta. And to the coffee shop where a man doubted me. It convinced me that I could have probably been a chess prodigy. And most importantly, it has me once again thinking “should I get bangs?”
