If you follow me on social media or have ever had a three minute conversation with me, you know I’m an egg fan. The word is versatile, as is the chicken egg most of us currently have a dozen of in our fridge.
Much like society toward women since the beginning of time, I am pitting the myriad ways of egg preparation against each other and ranking the top seven.
7. French Omelette
The French omelette is obviously delicious because it has the word “French” in it. Which also means that it’s pretentious and xenophobic. Pair it with a buttered baguette et un café. Bon appétit!
6. Soft Scramble
Soft scramble eggs deliver the delicious, custard-like consistency of the French omelette, but without all the folding and rolling and weight of cultural significance. Soft scrambling does take a bit of time, so put on a podcast while you stand at your stove and consider if you have the energy to shower today.
5. Lady Gaga Egg
Let’s play a (love) game. I’ll go first. Never have I ever cared about the Grammys. I am, however, deeply affected by them. Specifically one moment: Lady Gaga arriving to the awards show in a egg that she apparently stayed in for 72 hours? Has anyone ever fact-checked this? Or has some psychologist, sociologist or anthropologist broken down why this occurred? I know how to ask the questions but never have I ever given an answer. Regardless, while I find it haunting, I’m sure it subconsciously inspired in me some appreciation for eggs beyond the frying pan.
4. Riverdale Fabergé Egg
Unfortunately, I will continue to watch Riverdale until it gets cancelled or I die. It’s truly not possible to predict which will come first because for some reason, we as a community continue to tolerate it. I have seen every single episode with nothing but my undivided attention, yet I cannot tell you any details about the Fabergé Egg other than Betty and Jughead broke into Veronica’s house and stole it. Why? Unclear. Not sure they even know. Who did it belong to? Veronica’s mom, I think? What was the resolution of this plot line? I’m nearly positive that there wasn’t one, which is par for the course with this CW-produced purgatory.
The CW should stand for The Content Warning *eruption of laughter and an offer for me to write on The Late Late Show with James Corden*
3. “Egg of Doubt”
What is an egg but a synonym for a seed? That’s why I’m sowing “egg of doubt” into the culture’s lexicon.
2. The eggs in this photo
Everything becomes classy with a sunny-side-up egg. Highbrow, one may say. Also, they kind of look like boobs!