I Want To Do Everything And Simultaneously Nothing
It’s ludicrous to ask a first grader what career they want to have when they’re older. I knew of three careers as a kid. Circus performer, flea market vendor, and cardiologist. Woman in STEM vibes. Even at the ripe age of 24, I know of only a handful of jobs. I want all of them.
But also I want none of them.
We all grew up with Saturday Night Live. No one is special for liking, or hating, SNL. That being said, I did love it from the day my brain’s lightbulb switched on. Or any Adam Sandler movie (sorry!). I would wake up and immediately want to watch Big Daddy and eat American cheese singles. Now I’m classy; waking up craving sharp cheddar and Search Party on HBOMax. This is HBO sponsored content, as in a dear friend let me use her account to watch Search Party.
I didn’t realize being the creator of or actor in these productions was possible. I’m actually just now starting to realize that. And quite frankly, it’s a lot of work! I constantly question if the time dedicated toward this delayed payoff, if there’s ever even a payoff, is worth it. Blame it on my MiLlEnIaL brain, I guess.
I loved comedy, but comedy and its many forms never felt attainable as a career. I spent my life, the first 23 years, conjuring up distractions instead.
When my mom was at work, I would watch the Food Network like it was my full-time job. I’d play around in the kitchen, and most of the time, my creations tasted pretty good. In fifth grade, I genuinely believed I had invented baked ziti. And honestly, I may have! I haven’t, like, looked up the history of baked ziti. Needless to say, I soon got it in my head that I’d be a chef. I didn’t know how that would be achieved, but I definitely practiced my cooking show banter when home alone. And that was what mattered to me. I was content in my fantasy. The future wasn’t tangible.
As an underclassmen in high school, I discovered the heaven and hell that is known as Forever21. This discovery coincided with my growing obsession with thrift stores and the hunt for a “great piece.” If memory serves, I was watching the critically-acclaimed television series Gossip Girl during this phase of life. Naturally, this holy trinity led to my wanting to “do” fashion.
I didn’t know WHAT in the fashion world I wanted to do. My sewing skills were, and still are, subpar at best. I thought wearing knee-high socks with tennis skirts and converse was groundbreaking. I wanted to go to fashion school in NYC, but never studied trends or learned designers by name. I envisioned my life as Serena Vanderwoodsen or whatever her name was. If that is the correct name, I will question whether I am embarrassed or proud of myself for the rest of the night. Pause while I fact check.
Okay it’s Serena van der Woodsen, which is the one-percenter version of what I wrote.
And don’t think I didn’t still want to be a chef. If I made a soup that required more than 7 ingredients, I was picking out names for my future restaurant chain. A chain that would litter Middle America while I collected my riches in an NYC brownstone.
Then I’d wear heels to high school and think “well, maybe I do want to work in fashion.”
My free time wasn’t spent working toward this NYC dream. It was spent doing bits by myself in my living room; a one woman show for my favorite audience, me. I was acting like a fashion designer. Or acting like a chef. Acting.
There were many other careers that piqued my interest throughout K-12; musical theater actor, ballerina, mom, lawyer. Everyone at some point in their life thinks they want to be a lawyer.
I always put off the future, like I was saving it for a special occasion. On my fiftieth birthday, I’d carry it down from the attic, dust it off, and actually have to figure out what would make me happy. Would fulfill me.
I didn’t take the ACT until the very last minute, because I didn’t care. I applied to one university, because I didn’t care. I eventually applied to another school, because I cared a little at the very last minute. I chose that one. Love a hard-to-get girl.
I loved cooking, but I didn’t want to be a chef. I loved clothes; the thrill of finding a piece of clothing that I would be bullied for the next day. But I didn’t want to work in the fashion industry. I just wanted to float in the in-between of having a purpsose but minimal responsibilites. I loved everything and wanted to do nothing.
I randomly went to college for English. For a second, anyway.
I changed my mind and my major a thousand (six) times and graduated with my B.S. in, you guessed it, not English.
I caught wind of a major that sounded interesting, switched to it, and then came up with some random reason why that was my major.
A lot of these curriculum changes could be blamed on television programming. I’m pretty sure I considered journalism at one point because of Gilmore Girls. OB/GYN sounded enticing during my Mindy Project phase, until I remembered I hated babies and calculus. French New Wave cinema made me want to pursue both film and French at the same time, so I did for a semester.
And that’s when I realized like, oh, duh. I actually just want to be famous. I want to be funny and beloved. I want to be a sex-positive doctor one day and a Yale graduate who randomly can’t find a job the next. I could create realities where these things are true.
During my last semester of college, I decided that I wanted to pursue comedy and performing. I didn’t want to be intimidated anymore. I was worthy enough to at least try and fail. I wish I had realized this before the five years of federal student loans but I guess “everything” “happens” “for” “a” “reason.”
What the industry won’t tell you is that comedy is a very broad term. I got overwhelmed, again. And my dream job temporarily became stay-at-home mom but with no kids and no spouse. Actually, that’s still my dream job.
But I didn’t run away. I ran straight into the fire. Don’t get me wrong, I would still do nothing and cash in a check if that was an actual option.
I’m still trying to figure out what in the world I want to do with comedy. It’s hard not to feel like you’re working toward something that will always be one step ahead. I catch myself from time to time thinking “well, maybe I should be a chef.”
Or an OB/GYN.
Or something relevant to my college degree.
But then I remember that all this work, I actiually enjoy it. I love whispering into this void called “Medium.” Even if I work at my day job for the rest of my life (God, strike me down), I will be filling my free time with things I love. I want to do everything, but I want to do one thing a little bit more than all the other things
My mom still thinks I should be a chef.
