How To Spend Your Winter During A Pandemic
As COVID-19 cases rise and temperatures drop, we will soon be spending what feels like a never-ending amount of time inside. You may think this means that you will spend these coming months bored out of your mind. If that’s the case, take some lessons from Quarantine Round 1 Jennifer. Here I’ve listed all of the amazing things I did during this past spring and summer, in the hopes that you could find some new activities to try out. I’ve listed them in order that I tried them out, so feel free to do the unofficial “Jennifer in Quar” challenge, where you do all of these activities listed in order, too! Have fun with it! I’ve also graciously listed the big pros and cons to all of these pastimes because I’m a good, God-fearing woman.
Move Back Into Your Childhood Bedroom And Revert Back To Your Angsty Adolescence
Are you ever a b-word? Do you desire intensifying your b-word-ness? Does me saying b-word make you think of Ben Shapiro? If the answer to these questions is a resounding “yes!” then congrats, you are me and you are totally ready for this move.
When you first walk into that old room that is filled to the brim with all the useless shit you’ve kept since you were a fetus, you’ll know your transformation is about to begin. What will you be transforming into? Probably the most vile, atrocious version of yourself! Get ready for some good quality time (gaslighting each other) with your loved ones.
Pro: This is basically time-traveling
Con: This is basically time-traveling to the point in your life that most likely contains the bulk of your trauma
Walk For Hours On End
You’re back to living in the middle of nowhere, so get a fat whiff of that fresh air. Take a deep breath and realize that only trees surround you, and will continue to do so for the next 4 months.
Pro: Good for body and mind!
Con: Sidewalks are nonexistent in rural America but huge trucks going 70 mph are widely available
Try On Your Old Prom Dresses At 2:17am EST
You’re going to hate the way you relive prom when you do this; I guarantee it. Actually, both of my prom nights were not half bad. Sorry! And these prom dresses were both too big on me so… sorry again!
Pro: you’ll feel beautiful for maybe the first time of 2020
Con: you’ll have to put all the dresses back onto the hanger and in those weird dress bags and oh god, it’s almost 3am. You wore the dresses for that long? Are you okay?
Google the Words “Am I A Lesbian” With Roughly 6 Question Marks
You’re going to have a lot of time to think, so may as well put it toward some identity crisis. In case you’re wondering, the jury is still out on this one for me, but quarantine is an amazing time to question one’s sexuality!
Pro: You will get a lot of search results
Con: They are all from Refinery29 and Cosmopolitan
Get A Little Horny At The fact That You Are Living Rent Free And Your Mommy Buys The Groceries
You lost your job in March and you graduate college May 2020. There’s no prospects, but that doesn’t matter, because you are a kept woman. You sit at home and try and attach meaning to other things beyond work and school. Like cooking! You’ve got all the time in the world to make that 10-hour lasagna and your mom has the funds to make sure it happens!
Pro: you are saving so much money
Con: you are making no money
Hate Yourself For The Fact That You Are Living Rent Free And Your Working Class, Essential Worker Mother Is Buying The Groceries
This one speaks for itself.
Pro: At least you have empathy
Con: You’re not doing TOO much about it and the cognitive dissonance will ravage you
Run a little!!
You *literally* have nothing else to do so at this point it’s like… okay, I guess I will?
Pro: Good for your heart
Con: A physical goodbye letter to your knees
Take Anywhere From One To Two Baths A Day
It’s technically going to get you clean and it certainly feels more highbrow. But also, you’re kind of sitting in your own filth while watching youtube improv videos on your first generation Ipad.
Pro: epsom salt will make you feel so relaxed
Con: after five minutes you get too hot and lose interest in sitting in water while naked
Watch 5 Years Worth Of Television Within 3 Months
You’ve spent the past five years in college, too anxious to do anything other than homework. So when that last assignment was submitted, you went to netflix. And the next day, you went to netflix. And this kept repeating itself for the next 3 months. I watched so many shows during this time frame that I actually forget I watched some of them. Don’t you want to feel that, too?
Pro: you’re going to have your finger on the pulse of pop culture
Con: your addictive personality is going to go so hard in the paint that you’ll be found walking around the home with your ipad, on your second show of the week because you finished the entirety of GLOW in mere days
Let your OCD catch wind of your watch’s daily step count and take it one step further (the renaissance of walking for hours on end)
You never really thought about changing your watch’s default daily step goal, which is a humble 7,500. And it didn’t matter, because you knew you’d go over that easily, no problem. You’re a college student! But now you’re a college graduate in a pandemic. You start off small. 10,000 everyday. Then 15,000. Then 20,000. And now you’re walking on a treadmill at 11:52 PM Central Time trying to hit your arbitrary 20,000 steps. And you’re NOT going to. And then you remember that this same exact thing happened to David Sedaris.
Pro: You love David Sedaris so that’s cool
Con: Your mental illness isn’t even original, further confirming your feelings of Imposter Syndrome
Force your mom to listen to This American Life with you while you both work on puzzles
She will tell you months later that she thinks your vice is the fact you listen to podcasts.
Pro: You pull the most weight in putting the puzzle together so yeah, you’ve earned the right to play that pod
Con: Your mom will totally disregard that the pod is playing and “try and talk to you”???
Donate, donate, donate
No joke to this one. Just reallocate available funds as much as you can, if possible.
Pro: everything
Con: nothing
Randomly move to a new city that you’ve never been to
And that’s where I write to you from now; Chicago. The big apple! You don’t have to move to Chicago. Just any city you haven’t been to. Maybe that’s Tulsa or Prague, or you skip the whole land idea and get a house boat in Puget Sound. I don’t know! Get quirky with it!
Pro: Being in a new city during a pandemic is basically your one-stop-shop excuse for being bad at making new friends
Con: U-hauls are as expensive as mortgages
Let me know if you do any of these activities! Find me on social media! It’s like a scavenger hunt that only benefits me.
